attracts dust...... like a magnet.

for sale.

looking to connect with anyone holding an interest in (USD) $136 million worth of jewelry.

those relevant to and capable of the bidding know how to reach me.

Bernie.

molasses.

the fact that the Custodians have only just now set up the brown boxes which they so proudly complained about valiantly retrieving, makes me want to find the spider-infested container of ethlyne glycol downstairs and very simply, end it all. 

how could they possibly take this long? to pack their worthless collection of pawn store rejection items?
have they no sense of urgency?

after we were told "the jig was up" during watergate --& thereafter given a matter of minutes to destroy everything in sight - i have acquired skills that allow me to achieve stunning & effective results within mere hours.


for example, in the time alone which i usually reserve for unapologetically basking in the bouquet of muted tones rolling up from my post-dinner tumbler of schnapps (leftover tradition from the war) i have successfully bubble-wrapped over 2,000 full-scale ancient chinese terracotta-army warrior statues; artifacts that i managed to claim and ship home before they could "all" be counted in 1974; masterfully entombed below the mountain upon which the Custodians have resided for two years.




Bernie.

brown boxes.

the past few days have granted me first-hand access to the semi-entertaining show of the Custodians' attempts to gather, sort, compress and contain their "valuables" in order for us to move on to the next abode. 

their haste is illogical and nauseating to observe. not to mention they have been wandering dangerously close to my arsenal access doors leading into the subfloor. 

due to this mind-blowing level of procrastination, i have been forced to do my own packing in the dark of night, without making but a single flawlessly manicured paw pitter-patter as i access my personal effects. this includes the collection of my goods, stowing, towing the midnight transport upon an eighteen wheeler. already taken on, has been my collection of rocket-propelled grenades, anti-tank weaponry collection, antiques and fully appraised nebelwerfers, my catalog of seige mortars, elvis presley memorabilia, automatic carbines, thousands of mines, and countless other miscellaneous and further complex anti-aircraft artillery. 

further -without opposable thumbs and enduring the fucking enraging jingling collar that i cannot rip from my neck. 


this may set my blood pressure into the red zone as my last physical indicated i was in great danger of entering. 






Bernie.

1987: Post Closing-Bell Party. for two.

 Black Monday, october 19th 1987

i made $26 million.

    

yet, the cure for cancerous loneliness fetches not such a fair price.

copious notes.

one needs not encryption, nor the trans-atlantic correspondence of the breathing navajo, when the best secret sharing transmission of all time still lies within the hushed voice.

brief travels.

after patiently waiting today, the Custodians have finally left to attend a psuedo-remotely located "camp" - which i can only assume is the generic american version of "being one with nature plentiful amenities."

i think i shall use this unattended night to fly to Caracas and make a long-overdue visit with tupac.

Bernie.

the yalta summit, 1945. recently unsealed.

i remember how cold it was that day. frigid. the type that gets in your bones.

apologies.

for everyone on the 2pm conference call today, i'm sorry that i had to drop off early; to those who emailed me later out of concern: the hacking was a particularly thorny regurgitation of clumped fur accidentally ingested upon self-maintaining hygiene practices (common amongst felines)

Yesterday while patrolling the Custodians' perimeter, I ran into some particularly out of season maple sap, what you heard today was me paying for it.

Bernie.

the other cat.

regarding my previous post: 

when i say "we", i am referring to myself and a degenerate cat that I am forced to tolerate on a daily basis. 

this animal is referred to as "Raven" - though, he acts more like an ameba than a graceful, sleek bird of prey. 

he is a "real" cat - which makes the situation extremely & horrifyingly demeaning. 

the creature often approaches me as i'm working on my blueprint documents (though he has a knack of bothering me when I'm on with London) fumbles around with my pens and instruments, then will swipe at my glasses. it is as if i was raising an infant. 

 if i lose my temper - the female Custodian will notice that "raven" has been shamed or hurt in some way that day.

that first burn of humiliation when i realized that I was expected to, and thus, would have to...... "play" & "willingly interact" with "raven" when the Custodians are around; in doing so, they think I am one in the same as the disgraceful, dirty, disfigured beast. 

Most of the time, i use this opportunity to practice & stay sharp on my tai kwon do skills, picked up decades ago at prison camp in Laos. 

the entire jester situation makes me sick.

i want to kill him, though i worry that i may become too bold and forget what i am supposed to do, how i am to move and what noises i am to make. I need him as a model for the average "house cat"

more than anything else, it is his bastardized, perverted ear that infuriates me. 

i will soon cut it off, just to hear him wail in pain and to make the Custodian's pay for their ignorance of what shame they make me face.

Bernie.

upon further examination.

i believe the male Custodian was having an intimate and actively sexual relationship with the decrepit old man landlord downstairs. 
this would explain many serious unexplained circumstances under which we have lived without answers to throughout the past three years. 
examples, including the use of multiple inflatable clinical donuts, the affinity for working on his "work truck" wearing a dale earnhardt jr. european cut speedo, announcing how "dirty he got" upon arrival home from work to the landlord, and of course, the long disappearances and time spent downstairs, with a decrepit old man.


Bernie.

come, cry into my bosom.

this afternoon i'm quite sure i heard the male custodian becoming immoderately emotional. there was a long session of muffled weeping sounds emanating from the bathroom. he driveled on about the landlord, how he was confused, how he felt rejected, how he was losing a deep partnership with the senile man.


fucking moron.



Bernie.

clean cut morning routine.

the prostitute i had last night [who somehow managed not to leave as instructed at midnight after the Custodians are in full comatose] snapped a dashing photo of yours truly on my phone this morning. i only discovered it after she finally left.

nothing better than a freshly shaven.... 





























....cat.





Bernie.

etiquette.

last night President Obama called my cell. 

I declined it. 







Bernie. 

suppressed memories

captive's slave trade basement in Bangkok circa 2006. I won the return of my freedom, and I never looked back. 

fowl

today i ate 14 birds, including an owl.
and i didn't leave the house.

Bernie.

memorabilia.

the chopper squad. 
note: my steady diet of resveratrol and thai breast milk alongside my weekly consumption of raw horseshoe crab leaves you to wonder my measured time on earth.

Bernie is immortal, you mass clustering of ignoramus, vapid, mortal peasants. 


Bernie.

remembering vladimir, and the sweet smell of caviar.

I can only hope that my dear friend and colleague putin makes the right decision with our former ally and colleague snowden. 
hang him high vladimir.
hang him high for his betrayal of silence. 

i send masha and svetlana my love,
& dearest vlad, dah skol'ko let, skol'ko zim!
& put down the cigarettes my friend, if you haven't already.

za zdarov'e,
 Bernie 

finders, keepers.

taiwan: i found your ani-cam last night in foot of the willow tree outside of my cover residence- you have provided me with a sense of comfort to know that well-funded "front" domicile worked.

and, did you really think i'd live on a road named "Humble Drive" 
?
your attempts are an embarrassment and your low-quality training is becoming apparent, if not obvious to the outside.

you fail again. 

by the time you read this i will have dismantled your intricate security network, accessed your information, saved it to my drives and wiped it from your systems. 

your corrupt officers will be exposed to your own government for the "fair" punishment, by the most respected of all taiwanese standards.

momentarily, the merciless trojan you activated by reading this will emulsify your terminal.

good night.

Bernie.

savage july 4th run by mediocre beasts, a classic example in the numbing punctuation of my life.

these hot, humid,unrelenting days of oddly hazy weather remind me of my time spent in the unforgiving jungles of southeastern malaysia. 

The fireworks in the background, that so entertain the imbeciles who gather round with glee outside my locale- they bring me back to the dusks when the HE aerial rockets came raining down upon us... the smell of hot shrapnel against the sweet dew upon the thick, waxy leaves of the foreign flora and fauna of south east asia.... and for my ears, the wails of young children fleeing for cover-- crying out for their mothers in vain...

to this day i have not forgotten the malay i learned to speak so well. 

let us not focus on these times, i've run low on my medication for the decade-standing night terrors that haunt the movie screens hidden behind my eyelids....


This reminds me: 

Hier Dr. Kruhlshankenweiss - 
   Please send me my medication refill. I am still at location V6723 JJ 0891 .
You know my coordinates.
Many thanks,
 Bernie.