sparkling eagles nest.

furs,
   i have safely arrived at my new domicile. 

the Custodians successfully transported me, their most precious cargo, straight to the locale, thus avoiding my fear of needing a private security caravan or paid police escort. i didn't want to draw that kind of attention to myself.

i expect for my assistant to keep those necessary informed although i will be using the same means of contacts, spare my coordinates.




Bernie. 

all good things come in...

today I received a rarely occurring, unexpected package upon the weekly visit to my anonymous p.o. box.
intrigued, i threw caution to the wind, and opened it.  













it was a thumb. 

i can only assume raul don sergio's ride home from Galeão International did not go without incident. 
too bad, really. he was quite tolerable. 





Bernie. 

attracts dust...... like a magnet.

for sale.

looking to connect with anyone holding an interest in (USD) $136 million worth of jewelry.

those relevant to and capable of the bidding know how to reach me.

Bernie.

molasses.

the fact that the Custodians have only just now set up the brown boxes which they so proudly complained about valiantly retrieving, makes me want to find the spider-infested container of ethlyne glycol downstairs and very simply, end it all. 

how could they possibly take this long? to pack their worthless collection of pawn store rejection items?
have they no sense of urgency?

after we were told "the jig was up" during watergate --& thereafter given a matter of minutes to destroy everything in sight - i have acquired skills that allow me to achieve stunning & effective results within mere hours.


for example, in the time alone which i usually reserve for unapologetically basking in the bouquet of muted tones rolling up from my post-dinner tumbler of schnapps (leftover tradition from the war) i have successfully bubble-wrapped over 2,000 full-scale ancient chinese terracotta-army warrior statues; artifacts that i managed to claim and ship home before they could "all" be counted in 1974; masterfully entombed below the mountain upon which the Custodians have resided for two years.




Bernie.

brown boxes.

the past few days have granted me first-hand access to the semi-entertaining show of the Custodians' attempts to gather, sort, compress and contain their "valuables" in order for us to move on to the next abode. 

their haste is illogical and nauseating to observe. not to mention they have been wandering dangerously close to my arsenal access doors leading into the subfloor. 

due to this mind-blowing level of procrastination, i have been forced to do my own packing in the dark of night, without making but a single flawlessly manicured paw pitter-patter as i access my personal effects. this includes the collection of my goods, stowing, towing the midnight transport upon an eighteen wheeler. already taken on, has been my collection of rocket-propelled grenades, anti-tank weaponry collection, antiques and fully appraised nebelwerfers, my catalog of seige mortars, elvis presley memorabilia, automatic carbines, thousands of mines, and countless other miscellaneous and further complex anti-aircraft artillery. 

further -without opposable thumbs and enduring the fucking enraging jingling collar that i cannot rip from my neck. 


this may set my blood pressure into the red zone as my last physical indicated i was in great danger of entering. 






Bernie.

1987: Post Closing-Bell Party. for two.

 Black Monday, october 19th 1987

i made $26 million.

    

yet, the cure for cancerous loneliness fetches not such a fair price.

copious notes.

one needs not encryption, nor the trans-atlantic correspondence of the breathing navajo, when the best secret sharing transmission of all time still lies within the hushed voice.

brief travels.

after patiently waiting today, the Custodians have finally left to attend a psuedo-remotely located "camp" - which i can only assume is the generic american version of "being one with nature plentiful amenities."

i think i shall use this unattended night to fly to Caracas and make a long-overdue visit with tupac.

Bernie.

the yalta summit, 1945. recently unsealed.

i remember how cold it was that day. frigid. the type that gets in your bones.

apologies.

for everyone on the 2pm conference call today, i'm sorry that i had to drop off early; to those who emailed me later out of concern: the hacking was a particularly thorny regurgitation of clumped fur accidentally ingested upon self-maintaining hygiene practices (common amongst felines)

Yesterday while patrolling the Custodians' perimeter, I ran into some particularly out of season maple sap, what you heard today was me paying for it.

Bernie.

the other cat.

regarding my previous post: 

when i say "we", i am referring to myself and a degenerate cat that I am forced to tolerate on a daily basis. 

this animal is referred to as "Raven" - though, he acts more like an ameba than a graceful, sleek bird of prey. 

he is a "real" cat - which makes the situation extremely & horrifyingly demeaning. 

the creature often approaches me as i'm working on my blueprint documents (though he has a knack of bothering me when I'm on with London) fumbles around with my pens and instruments, then will swipe at my glasses. it is as if i was raising an infant. 

 if i lose my temper - the female Custodian will notice that "raven" has been shamed or hurt in some way that day.

that first burn of humiliation when i realized that I was expected to, and thus, would have to...... "play" & "willingly interact" with "raven" when the Custodians are around; in doing so, they think I am one in the same as the disgraceful, dirty, disfigured beast. 

Most of the time, i use this opportunity to practice & stay sharp on my tai kwon do skills, picked up decades ago at prison camp in Laos. 

the entire jester situation makes me sick.

i want to kill him, though i worry that i may become too bold and forget what i am supposed to do, how i am to move and what noises i am to make. I need him as a model for the average "house cat"

more than anything else, it is his bastardized, perverted ear that infuriates me. 

i will soon cut it off, just to hear him wail in pain and to make the Custodian's pay for their ignorance of what shame they make me face.

Bernie.

upon further examination.

i believe the male Custodian was having an intimate and actively sexual relationship with the decrepit old man landlord downstairs. 
this would explain many serious unexplained circumstances under which we have lived without answers to throughout the past three years. 
examples, including the use of multiple inflatable clinical donuts, the affinity for working on his "work truck" wearing a dale earnhardt jr. european cut speedo, announcing how "dirty he got" upon arrival home from work to the landlord, and of course, the long disappearances and time spent downstairs, with a decrepit old man.


Bernie.

come, cry into my bosom.

this afternoon i'm quite sure i heard the male custodian becoming immoderately emotional. there was a long session of muffled weeping sounds emanating from the bathroom. he driveled on about the landlord, how he was confused, how he felt rejected, how he was losing a deep partnership with the senile man.


fucking moron.



Bernie.

clean cut morning routine.

the prostitute i had last night [who somehow managed not to leave as instructed at midnight after the Custodians are in full comatose] snapped a dashing photo of yours truly on my phone this morning. i only discovered it after she finally left.

nothing better than a freshly shaven.... 





























....cat.





Bernie.

etiquette.

last night President Obama called my cell. 

I declined it. 







Bernie. 

suppressed memories

captive's slave trade basement in Bangkok circa 2006. I won the return of my freedom, and I never looked back. 

fowl

today i ate 14 birds, including an owl.
and i didn't leave the house.

Bernie.

memorabilia.

the chopper squad. 
note: my steady diet of resveratrol and thai breast milk alongside my weekly consumption of raw horseshoe crab leaves you to wonder my measured time on earth.

Bernie is immortal, you mass clustering of ignoramus, vapid, mortal peasants. 


Bernie.

remembering vladimir, and the sweet smell of caviar.

I can only hope that my dear friend and colleague putin makes the right decision with our former ally and colleague snowden. 
hang him high vladimir.
hang him high for his betrayal of silence. 

i send masha and svetlana my love,
& dearest vlad, dah skol'ko let, skol'ko zim!
& put down the cigarettes my friend, if you haven't already.

za zdarov'e,
 Bernie 

finders, keepers.

taiwan: i found your ani-cam last night in foot of the willow tree outside of my cover residence- you have provided me with a sense of comfort to know that well-funded "front" domicile worked.

and, did you really think i'd live on a road named "Humble Drive" 
?
your attempts are an embarrassment and your low-quality training is becoming apparent, if not obvious to the outside.

you fail again. 

by the time you read this i will have dismantled your intricate security network, accessed your information, saved it to my drives and wiped it from your systems. 

your corrupt officers will be exposed to your own government for the "fair" punishment, by the most respected of all taiwanese standards.

momentarily, the merciless trojan you activated by reading this will emulsify your terminal.

good night.

Bernie.

savage july 4th run by mediocre beasts, a classic example in the numbing punctuation of my life.

these hot, humid,unrelenting days of oddly hazy weather remind me of my time spent in the unforgiving jungles of southeastern malaysia. 

The fireworks in the background, that so entertain the imbeciles who gather round with glee outside my locale- they bring me back to the dusks when the HE aerial rockets came raining down upon us... the smell of hot shrapnel against the sweet dew upon the thick, waxy leaves of the foreign flora and fauna of south east asia.... and for my ears, the wails of young children fleeing for cover-- crying out for their mothers in vain...

to this day i have not forgotten the malay i learned to speak so well. 

let us not focus on these times, i've run low on my medication for the decade-standing night terrors that haunt the movie screens hidden behind my eyelids....


This reminds me: 

Hier Dr. Kruhlshankenweiss - 
   Please send me my medication refill. I am still at location V6723 JJ 0891 .
You know my coordinates.
Many thanks,
 Bernie.

Bernie, lord of the land.

i've finally made a deal with the babbling senile oaf downstairs: convinced the "landlord" to evict my Custodians - and, yes- this includes me, as I feel it is time to move on from this location. I do not feel safe here, nor do I think it wise to stay in one place for more than two years.
i must move. but i need the safety of the custodians and their blindness to my superior intelligence. 
they will never figure out they are harboring the greatest of interpol's former leaders and double-timing fugitives...
perhaps, until it is too late. 
that day may come all too soon if we stay here much longer. 
i find myself staring out the window...
waiting for "the message".... waiting, to run.
it's not an easy life, but it is the path i must walk now.

I offered the old buffoon access to a small portion of my tax-exempt swiss routed SPV accounts in the caymans, as well as my old respite spot in the seychelles. 
damn, i'm going to quite miss that old place. 

the decrepit man won't even make it through the flight there.
not to mention he remains unaware that it is I who strategically poops in his wood burning stove. 

who does he think does it?

the moron deserves for me to burn this house to the ground. 
patience. 
patience now.
wahe guru, as my near familial sri Lankan master sage taught me during my study in colombo.
... wahe 
guru... 
inhale, exhale....

wahe guru,
    Bernie

Day# 1,221

Good afternoon.
I begin this now-publicly set form of communication due to a certain moscow-airport resident who thought it wise to divulge my former means of circulation. For my colleagues out there, I post for you the track code here:
串行碼數：五九八零一二八七八九九五四個字母利馬奧斯卡查理阿爾法11月統一利馬勝利者大寫的星號探戈狐步舞合同玖零零輸入

your continuing efforts to follow my updates are much appreciated.
I would like to inform everyone that I am alright, although the Custodians have yet to eliminate the threat of my weight interfering with my ability to work.

I also believe they provided me with their black magic " catnip " in the midst of this ordeal, thus, the details are blurred in my memory. I have been fighting to comb the remaining crumbled bits of the euphoric poison from my lucious back-fur.

that is all for now.


Bernie.

i'm considering growing a mustache.

thoughts?




Bernie.

fuck off, mustangs and stallions.

today, i broke a moose.. out of boredom.

he is currently saddled, and tied up to the place where i dismounted in the woods about a quarter mile off of the Custodians' property line. 

i shall name him,
Bernie.





Bernie.

maintenance.

spent the entire day fixing the leak under the sink in the Custodians' kitchen.

they didn't even notice.


savages.





Bernie.

memories.

so true it is, that one need not be concerned as to where they are, but whom they are with when considering the enjoyment of an afternoon.

The Midnight Cessna

i've finally had enough of the grotesquely unintelligent and subpar Custodians' so-called "partying" every weekend. 
worse, hosting this "partying" -
it seems to me to be so utterly pathetic that this, this sad... sick, tribal-like gathering is now considered an official "party" -
if only the Custodians knew what it was like, to be riding shotgun to the Señor Pablo Escobar, with four models in a two-seater Cessna, moonlighting it from bogata to tijuana... ah, those were the early days, you know? Before corruption of the trade. 

though, on a serious note, writing heavy hearted and heavy pawed (whether to blame the elusive sensation of empathy on the nostalgia or gin, I'm not sure) i do regret ceremoniously weighing and thus marooning handfuls of the asinine, pouting models who pounded down upon the scale at over 100 lbs...
    ...in all fairness, at the time it was standard practice. No portly, vaccine-deficient & paper lacking rotunds were to take the place of what we were making the run for in the first place... we needed as much spare weight available to us in order to fit as much product on board as possible....
by the time we were ready for take-off our laughter was roaring louder than the engine, we had forgotten all about our clandestine practices of the tarmac, sticking our heads out and waving good bye to the runway....

oh those cigars... the best man, the best. 




 Bernie.

the history of Henry.

today i finally was able to meet up with my former colleague, Henry. it had been some years passed.
he, too, is in a very similar position as myself; however, his low-level status as a mere black-listed commoner with a few registered gun-owners in jersey keeping an eye out for his name, makes his life leagues easier than my own.

i am indebted to him, however mildly, for his kind suggestion that lead to my placement with the Custodians.
he resides with the female Custodian's fraternal brother.



i met Henry a long, long time ago. in an anonymous war-survivors therapy session, held in the basement of a church in a seedy area of downtown moscow.

he and i were  immediately drawn to one another.

the same week, we sealed our bond by killing a drifter.






Bernie.

Fleeing Cuba

My fellow furs, i welcome thee to my previous updates and posts regarding my temporary assignment of "laying low" as a "domesticated" "pet" in the green hills of Vermont. 
Here are my copious notes, minus annotations:
My custodians are borderline retards.
They think I do nothing.
They think I know nothing.

this scenario is perfect.


until re-assignment, i will be guiding my furs from this location - which must remain undisclosed. 

Out of Office Reply: United Nations Meeting today.

awful schedule with my U.N. meeting today.
as usual, the traffic on 46th street is an absolute nightmare. creeping along bumper to bumper has always given me disconcerting palpitations.

furs:
my assistant will be answering my private line.
my second private line will be on vibrate with me in my cover host's purse.

ahmadinejad: i will have my 6th line blackberry number in-paw, so we can text during the conference.




Bernie.